Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
You Might Also Like
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE