I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”