Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣