[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy