cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
titanic
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE