Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.