Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved