long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.