“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.