Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.