Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.