8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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