My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
when someone rings the doorbell
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I enjoy a good short stor
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.