I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.