Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Who called it baking and not making love
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Well, that should do it
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-