ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.