Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
what
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs