If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.