If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!