[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Very good news from my accountant
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
#parenting
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.