Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
forgive me baja for i have blast
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want