If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters