Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Omg 🤣
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me