I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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so i’m at the stock market right
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Grandmother clock.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
😩😩😩
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive