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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.