I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea