6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Cheer up.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy