[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.