if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.