Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol