Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
You Might Also Like
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
(more comics:
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Seems legit
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket