My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH