Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying