Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Ummm
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.