Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere