I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch