Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
You Might Also Like
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“That’s what” – She
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Just me and my debit card against the world
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!