Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.