Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.