Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome