I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.