daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
This will never not be funny 😭
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.