I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
This is my pinned tweet
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Oh we’ve met.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.