I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I can’t stop watching this.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.