I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.