I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
mood
bout dat hot dog summer
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”