Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”