Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
You Might Also Like
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.