I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.