If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Stop sending me this shit.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window